Hahhh... what a sweet place I'm in right now. I mean really; my marriage is happy and healthy, I'm starting to see good fruit barring in my new friendships, even though I'm currently unemployed (if you read my last blog, you know the story) our finances are in check, I feel amazing health wise, there's balance in my day to day schedule.. and a few other things that just have me at such peace right now. As if I'm resting on a huge fluffy white cloud like a little curly haired Precious Moment with the most peaceful grin on her face that makes you feel so "hahhh" inside. *Gotta acknowledge that visual though.. HA.* Anyway, yesss. Such a sweet place to be. Making me so stinkin' grateful that God has given me rest inside. Because honestly, my last few seasons were like Ahhhh!! Let me pull my hair out, cry pathetic crocodile tears, scream into my pillow, eat my sorrows away, or not eat at all, then pull myself together to go to the grocery store and act as if everything is perfect with the biggest fake smile.
I know that might sound a bit on the dramatic side, and yeah I can be a drama queen sometimes, (so my husband tells me from time to time.) But for real. It was SUCH a challenging time. A time for which I may someday receive the grace to be able to share what that was all about when the times right, but for this specific blog, God asked me to share something especially for YOU.
*huge grin*
So of course we know that if we have a real and tangible relationship with our Maker, we sense Him, right? We talk to Him. We Listen to Him in our spirit. We see Him in people. We read His word and through it we feel Him speaking to us in the very core of our being. We pray, and He answers. We feel His non like other love sweep over us like a cool fire at random. I mean you get it. We KNOW Him. Right? Okay. So through that particular rough time in my adult life, even though I knew He was with me; firstly because His word says He'll never leave nor forsake me *Hebrews 13:5*, and secondly because I can usually just sense His presence with me wherever I am, I literally felt as if my ears had went deaf to His soft and comforting words, and my heart was closed to receiving His love. Now yes, through the tears and sadness in that time, I would do what I know to do and confess out loud that I knew He would never leave me, worship, rebuke the devil, stand on His promises and be encouraged by my spiritual momma, but again.. to be so honest.. I just couldn't feel Him. I kinda felt like straight up lonely inside. It was a cold feeling that I hadn't faced in years. And quite frankly, a feeling that I never thought I'd have to face again. But there it was; that ugly, stinky, no good, stabbing feeling of loneliness. Ever been there? Well if you're reading this, then I'm gonna bet so. Because trust me boo, I be prayin' before posting. *one diva snap*. But yeah, it's just ridicules right? Like WE KNOOWWW God is with us, but why do we sometimes feel as if He's not?
Well, let me tehhllll you how He snapped me out of it girl. (Or guy.. ha, my bad). So it was about a month and a half into this craziness. And no, it wasn't the job case from my previous blog crazy. Another crazy. I hadn't been sleeping well through the madness, and I had finally said out loud in a whisper before bed, "Lord I just want to get some good sleep tonight." I kid you not, within minutes of counting a few sheep, I knocked out. (Side note: if you seriously as God to help you sleep, just know you bout to get them zzz's.) So yes, back to the being knocked out. I'm finally getting some sound sleep... but in this scene, the Lord put me into a DEEP sleep. I began to dream. Now know this, I RARELY remember dreams vividly. I can maybe sometimes pick pieces from them and then trip out and laugh at myself, then shake it off and go about my days, but THIS DREAM. (Low key wishing I had the clapping emojis on this laptop.)
My sister asked me if I could baby sit my nephew. I was like "of course, he can come with me to moms house." Well, turns out that "moms house" was not her current/present house in real life. It was our house from when we were little girls years and years ago. A house in an itty bitty town, Denver City, Texas where so many crazy, evil and just... weird things happened that I'll never forget. So in the dream, that's the house where I wanted to watch my nephew. But my sister tells me "no I don't want you to watch him there. There's this lady who's gonna tell you where to go to watch him." And I just remember how I felt offended that she didn't trust me to watch him at my moms house. Then suddenly, this nice, elder Caucasian lady with salt and pepper short fine hair appears and says that we are to go with her to another place. So I grab my nephews hand and we go. Well, we end up in this small creamy white walled room that had about four twin size beds side by side with about two feet between each one against one wall, and the same on the other wall. The room also had two old style boxed computers on two different light wooden desks at the end of each row of beds, and a mini fridge in the corner by the doorway to the right of the room. The lady apparently had the job to watch us, so she was just quietly there, on one of the two computers playing a game like Tetris or something. She was nice and said if we were hungry to help ourselves to anything in the fridge. But for some reason I was just so annoyed that we had to be there. I had thought "omg why the heck are we here. Who is this lady to just keep us here. She can't tell us to stay." Then I grabbed my nephews hand and told him we were leaving, and going back to Nanas (his name for my mom). And without a seconds time, the Holy Spirit spoke: "Beloved, there's a demon in that house. I don't want you to going back there." And right then and there, I had an instant revelation as to why so many ugly things happened in that home in real life back in the day. There were heavy drugs, crazy parties, men in and out, abuse, poverty... just a huge mess of a life. (I'll probably share more about that in time too, God willing.) And in that moment it just all made sense. As if the Lord really told me why all of that evil was going on there. THEN... (ugh.. my God only you!)
*sorry, praise break*
Then, Gods very voice tells me "Beloved, do you remember the time you stayed at Summers house (an elementary friend) a little later than usual? And you had to ride your bike home in the dark across that trail?" Right then it was as if He had allowed me to see with His eyes what He seen that night, watching over me. It was me as that eleven year old puffy haired girl riding my red and black Huffy bike through the creepiest mile long forest looking trail there in Denver City. It was the shortest way to get to my house, and I hauled butt as fast as I could because it was just plain creepy! Then God said to me "You remember the song you chose to sing to bring you comfort while you were scared riding your bike that night?" He then allowed me to hear myself sing, huffing and puffing, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so...". And Boo boo, let me tell you! I would have NEVER, and I mean NEVER remembered that night in a million years! It was just another night to me, so nothing important to remember. But HE DID. HE DOES. I didn't even have a relationship with Him at age eleven. I learned that song at vacation bible school years back from then, and just always had felt that if I sang that song, I would be okay. Well then the Lord goes on to say, with a grin that I could just feel "that made me smile, Brandy. That of all the songs that you loved at that time, you chose to sing that one." Then he took me to memories in that house where I would often cry myself to sleep. Then whispered to me with such a deep and profound, loving, and what it felt like loud, yet comforting all in one voice.. "I WAS WITH YOU BRANDY. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH YOU."
Whoop! I swung my brown eyes open, with a silent and shaky pant. And just began to sob. Sob with tears of comfort. Sob with a heart that felt so sorry for ever thinking God wasn't with me. A sob that was so grateful that my God has always been with me! My God!!!
Needless to say, I sure did snap out of it. Shoot, I dove right back into His ocean of love for me at 5am and began to worship while I wrote down that dream. And friend, I truly believe with all my heart that He put this on my heart to share with YOU! To remind you or to tell you that He indeed is with you! That He has ALWAYS been with you! Before you ever knew Him, knew about Him etc. He. Is. WITH YOU!! And on that note, let me just say that through all the crud that He allowed me to go through, He has already used for His glory and my good, and I believe He will continue to use for my good and His glory! Not one bit of it was or is a waste. And honestly.. like really honestly, nowadays, I don't ever feel sorry for myself for those things that happened to me as a child. Those trials made me into the women I am today. And have allowed me to help others with those same wounds that God healed in me. What the enemy meant for harm, God sure did turn it into good, okurrt!
In fact, I find myself often thanking God for any new challenges (usually once they're over.. ha). Because the blessing of growth, or rest, or restoration, or healing, or financial provision, or mending, etc ALWAYS comes after. "Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace].And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking nothing." *James 1:2-4*
So Love, again.. don't you dare for a second fall for the lie that He isn't with you. If you're going through a weird, painful, uncomfortable, or challenging season.. then honey Boo boo believe me when I say that if God has allowed it, then it MUST be for YOUR GOOD! "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." *Psalm 84:11*. So let that thang do you a favor. Let it work for you. Let it be apart of the story that you'll someday be able to share with those who need it and say "yeah so that happened, BUT GOD."
And lastly, if this was for you, I wanna ask that you'd boldly say this out loud with me: *go to a quiet place so your neighbor won't think you went crazy.... or heck, say it right there! It may bring them hope to.* I WILL make it out of this! This too shall pass! I got this! I can do all things through Christ! I am an overcomer. I have the victory and I am not a victim! Gods hand IS on my life, so surely goodness, mercy, and favor will follow me all the days of my life. Because He LOVES me, and I belong to Him!
Whoo YAASS!! Now go on and have the BEST day, and make someone else smile while you're there. Much love to you my friend. God bless you richly!
This is a public service announcement, and I pray that you are encouraged. :)
- XOXO, Bran